We sat in a cafe courtyard on a grey, rainy day, a steady rhythm beating down on the corrugated plastic above our heads. My hands caressed a nearly empty mug, nothing but beige foam as a dim reminder of the cappuccino it once held. The air was damp and refreshing, the spring rain filtering through the leafy trees surrounding us. We were alone among half a dozen empty tables, the silence between the raindrops deafening. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine I was sitting alone in a forest meadow, far away from the urban hell in which I found myself. Instead, you broke my reverie with a heavy sigh, eyes barely meeting mine.
I wanted to look away, but couldn’t, the intense blue drawing me in. What I saw there was the truth you found so difficult to say, and the pain it caused you. Yet I refused to accept it, so I concentrated instead on the black waves falling upon your forehead. As my gaze dropped slowly to the rough stubble along your sharp, strong jawline, my thoughts wandered; the feel of it beneath my fingers, how the thick, short hairs tickled me as we kissed…
“Dina,” you said, snapping me back into reality.
I caught your eyes again and began chewing on my lip, unsure what to say or if I should say anything at all.
You ran a hand through the dark tousles of your hair, buying time by staring down at your own untouched coffee. I waited, heart pounding desperately in my chest, a seeming attempt to will itself free from the impending devastation. The moments that passed felt endless. I went to take a sip from my cold cup, disappointed when the dregs of foam slid slowly towards my lips. In embarrassment, I set it down again a bit too quickly, the loud thump as it hit the table startling us both.
As if it were a signal, you spoke again. “I… I can’t do this anymore. Things haven’t been going well between us for a while, and…”
You trailed off. It was my turn to let loose a sigh. I knew it was too much to ask that you make the killing blow quickly and cleanly. My heart caught in my throat, tears I was desperate to hide welling in my eyes. I swallowed and blinked hard, looking away to the wooden fence surrounding the courtyard. Concentrating on the patterns of the lattice, shadowed and intertwined beneath the dripping tree branches, the sound of the rain echoed my racing heartbeat. Despite knowing that you were lost to me long before this moment, pain stabbed its way down through my breast. I wished that I could exist in any time, in any place, but this one.
To add insult to injury, I felt the warmth of your fingers gently encompass mine, my grip on the cup tightening in response. “Dina,” you said quietly, “I’m sorry.”
That was the moment everything snapped, broken shards of my heart crumbling away inside me to nothing. Through the tears I could no longer contain, I glared steadily, unafraid. Anger grew in place of the hurt I refused to feel any more. I could see your confusion, unsure what to make of my reaction, but the dam was burst now; I was beyond caring, yanking my hands away from yours so violently that my cup toppled over onto the table with a loud clatter.
“You think I haven’t known? You’ve been pulling away for months. Things were already over between us. Now you finally have the strength to tell me the truth, and that’s all you have to say for yourself? That you’re sorry?”
“Dina…”
“No, Grant. I deserve better. I deserve an explanation after giving you five years of my life.”
Your head dropped into your hands, as if the thick wavy strands of your hair could protect you. Still crying, I looked down at my spilled cup, foam slowly draining into the crevices of the table’s wood grain. My eyes followed the trail with morbid curiosity, the viscous liquid reminding me of blood wending its way down my arm as it oozed from a shallow wound. The thought roused deep, dark impulses within me, and I bit down hard on my lip without thinking. The sensation brought me back to myself, and I looked up to see you staring down at your coffee, mindlessly stirring it with a small spoon as if that would bring it back up to a drinkable temperature.
“Well?” I crossed my arms, attempting to keep my voice steady.
When you finally raised your eyes to me, I saw the stain of your own tears glistening upon your cheeks and my anger failed me. Cruel barbs pierced my chest once again. My hands dropped into my lap and I fidgeted uncomfortably, berating myself for pushing you so hard as a familiar sense of guilt washed over me.
“I just… I can’t deal with this anymore. With you. I love you, Dina, more than I’ve loved anyone, but it’s too much and I’ve been feeling overwhelmed for so long now.” You paused to take a deep breath. “I can’t fix you, and I can’t help you anymore. I don’t blame you for your illnesses, but they are dragging us both down, and… and I have to do what is best for me.”
I felt dizzy, my thoughts spiralling into chaos. I nodded slowly, your words skidding off the surface of my mind. My stomach lurched, waves of nausea washing over me. Despite dreading this moment for so long now, it still hit me like a brick wall. Only one thing was clear: it was truly over, unsalvageable. This was the end of us, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I realised that part of me had been harbouring some minute hope that I could talk my way out of this, out of whatever reasons you threw at me, but this wasn’t something that I could resolve with mere words. The finality of the situation drained all the fight out of me.
Unable to form any sort of coherent response, you took my silence for acceptance. “I am sorry, love. I didn’t want things to end this way. Please take care of yourself.” You stood, your metal chair scraping painfully on the stones of the courtyard as it was forced backwards. In slow motion, I watched you reach into your back pocket and pull out your wallet, flipping it open and throwing a five dollar note down onto the table with an incongruous casualness. You grabbed your damp umbrella from the ground and started to move away, then paused, as if thinking better of it. My heart skipped a beat and I was unable to breathe, my chest tightening.
“Goodbye.” Your voice trailed into nothingness as this time you walked away with purpose, not looking back. Numb, I couldn’t force my gaze away as I watched you go back inside and disappear beyond the counter, out of the cafe and out of my life.
I sat unmoving for some time before I finally came to my senses, the chill of the cloudy and wet late afternoon becoming unbearable. Your nearly pristine latte sat across from me as if waiting for you to return, the reminder of your absence reflecting the emptiness I felt. Without realising, tears fell from my eyes again, splashing down onto the wooden table to mingle with the remnants of my coffee. In movie-perfect timing, a cloud burst exploded overhead and the rain came pelting down twice as fast, striking the plastic above me with a particular violence. I dropped my head heavily into my arms, sobs reflecting the turbulent storm raging around and within me.
It was nearly dark when the mirrored tempests finally eased. The silence rang in my ears as I choked to catch my breath, exhausted and drained. I found some comfort from the irregular patter as the sky squeezed the dregs from its temper tantrum, the last few drops of spiteful rain before the clouds finally moved on. With what little strength I had, I pushed myself upright, wiping my face clean of mess and emotions both. The worst of the weather was over and all seemed to be clear and calm.
In a numb daze, I gathered myself as best I could and grabbed the money you left behind, paying for the coffees back inside. The barista politely averted her stare from my own puffy, red-rimmed eyes and smiled kindly as I thanked her quietly.
Stepping outside into the cool humidity, I paused and took a deep breath. Observing the glittering rain-soaked city street I found myself on, I felt renewed, reborn. I was a different person than the one who entered the cafe with you hours ago. Hurt still ached deep beneath the surface, but I knew that would ease with time. Not long ago I might have wallowed in the misery, allowing my emotions to overwhelm and control me, self-destructing bit by bit. But what I realised then, and what you would never know, was that the strength to move on and move forward was already within me; Strength built up from years of succumbing to my mental illness with failure after failure, picking myself back up every single time.
For the first time I could remember, a small smile crept over my lips as I walked towards the train station, unbothered by the chilly mist settling over the city. And I never once looked back.
