That Day

     We were sitting in a cafe courtyard on a grey, rainy day, a steady rhythm beating down on the corrugated plastic above our heads. My hands caressed a nearly empty mug, nothing but beige foam as a dim reminder of the cappuccino it once held. The air was damp and refreshing, the spring rain permeating the trees surrounding us. We were alone together, the silence between the raindrops deafening. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine I was sitting alone in a forest meadow, far away from the urban hell I found myself in today. Instead, you broke my reverie with a heavy sigh, eyes barely meeting mine as I opened them once again.

     I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t, the deep blue colour drawing me into the depths of your soul. What I saw there was the truth you were finding so difficult to say to me, and the pain it was causing you. Still, I refused to accept it, shifting my gaze to the black waves falling upon your forehead, then down to the rough stubble along your sharp, strong jawline. My thoughts wandered to the feel of it beneath my fingers, how the thick, short hairs tickled me as we kissed…

     “Dina,” you said finally, snapping me back into reality.

     I caught your eyes once again and began chewing on my lip, unsure what to say, or if I should say anything at all.

     You ran a hand through the dark tousles of your hair, buying time by staring down at your own cup of coffee, barely touched.

     I waited, heart pounding desperately in my chest, a seeming attempt to will itself free from the impending devastation. The moments that passed in silence felt like days, maybe even weeks, that would never end. I went to take a sip from my cold cup, disappointed when the dregs of foam slowly slid towards my lips. In embarrassment, I set it down again a bit too quickly, the loud thump as it hit the table startling us both.

     As if it was a signal, you finally began to speak. “I… I can’t do this anymore. Things haven’t been going well between us for a while, and…”

     You trailed off. Now it was my turn to let loose a sigh. I knew it was too much to ask that you make the killing blow quickly and cleanly. My heart caught in my throat, tears I was desperate to hide welling in my eyes. I swallowed and blinked hard, averting my eyes to the wooden fence surrounding the courtyard. Concentrating on the patterns of the lattice, shadowed and twisting beneath the dripping tree branches, the sound of the rain echoed my still-racing heartbeat. Despite knowing that you were lost to me long before this moment, hurt stabbed its way through my chest, radiating down to my core. I wished that I could exist in any moment, in any place but the one I found myself in now.

     To add insult to injury, I felt the warmth of your fingers gently cradling mine, my grip on the cup tightening in response. “Dina,” you said, barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry.”

     That was the moment everything snapped, the broken pieces of my heart crumbling away inside me to nothing. Through the tears I could no longer contain, I glared at you, finally unafraid. Anger began to grow in place of the pain I refused to feel any more. Staring deep into the oceans of your eyes once again, I could see that you were confused, unsure what to make of my reaction. But the dam was burst now, and I was beyond caring, yanking my hands away from yours so violently that the cup toppled over onto the table with a loud clatter.

     “You think I haven’t known? You’ve been pulling away for months. You were lost to me long before you were able to admit it to either of us.” I paused, gasping for breath in between the sobs wracking my whole body. “Now you finally have the courage to tell me the truth, and that’s all you have to say for yourself? That you’re sorry?”

     “Dina…”

     “No, Grant. I deserve better. I at least deserve an explanation after giving you 5 years of my life.”

     Your head dropped into your hands, as if the thick wavy strands of your hair could protect you somehow. I grumbled impatiently, but said nothing. Sniffling and wiping my cheeks dry, I looked down at my spilled cup, foam slowly draining into the crevices of the table’s woodgrain. My eyes followed the trail with morbid curiosity, the viscous liquid reminding me of blood wending its way down my arm as it oozed slowly from a shallow wound. The thought roused deep, dark impulses within me, and I bit down hard on my lip, unthinking. The sensation brought me back to myself, and I looked up to see you staring down at your coffee, mindlessly stirring it with a small spoon as if that would bring it back up to a drinkable temperature.

     “Well?,” I asked, prompting you, arms crossed and attempting to keep my voice steady.

     When you finally looked up, I saw the stain of tears glistening upon your cheeks, and the pain in my chest stabbed cruelly once again, my anger failing me. My hands dropped into my lap as I fidgeted them uncomfortably, regretting pushing you so hard as a familiar sense of guilt took me over.

     “I just… I just can’t deal with this anymore. With you. I love you, Dina, so much, but… it’s too much and I’ve been feeling overwhelmed for so long now.” You paused to take a deep breath. “I can’t fix you, and I can’t help you anymore. I don’t blame you for your illnesses, but they are dragging us both down… and I have to do what is best for me.”

     Suddenly, I felt dizzy, my mind spiralling into chaos. I nodded slowly, your words barely sinking in. My stomach lurched, waves of nausea washing over me. Despite dreading this moment for months now, it still managed to hit me as if a brick wall appeared out of nowhere, and I struggled to comprehend exactly how I was feeling. One thing fully occupied my thoughts: it was truly over, unfixable. This was the end of us, and there was nothing I could do to salvage it. I realised that part of me had been harbouring some minute hope that I could talk my way out of whatever reasons you threw at me, but this wasn’t something that I could resolve with words. The finality of the situation drained all the fight out of me.

     Unable to form any sort of coherent response, you took my silence for acceptance. “I am sorry, love. I didn’t want things to end this way. Please… take care of yourself.” You stood then, your metal chair scraping almost unbearably loud on the stone floor of the courtyard as it was forced backwards. In slow motion, I watched you reach into your back pocket and pull out your wallet, flipping it open and throwing a bill from within down onto the table with an incongruous casualness. You grabbed your damp umbrella from the ground and began to move away, then paused, as if thinking better of it. My heart skipped a beat and I was unable to breathe, my chest tightening.

     “Goodbye…” Your voice trailed into nothingness as this time you walked away with purpose, not looking back. Numb, I couldn’t force myself to look away as I watched you walk back inside and disappear beyond the counter, out of the cafe and out of my life.

     I sat unmoving for what felt like hours before I finally came to my senses, the chill of the cloudy and wet late afternoon becoming unbearable. Your mostly untouched latte sat across from me still as if waiting for you to return, the reminder of your absence reflecting the emptiness I felt. Before I even realised it, tears began to fall from my eyes, splashing down onto the wooden table to mingle with the remnants of my coffee. In movie-perfect timing, a cloud burst exploded overhead and the rain came pelting down twice as fast, striking the plastic above me with a particular violence. I dropped my head heavily into my arms on the table, my wracking sobs mimicking the storm raging around and within me.

     Some time later, the mirrored tempests eased and began to quiet. The silence was nearly painful as my breathing finally slowed, and I was left feeling exhausted and drained. I found some comfort from the irregular patter as the sky squeezed the dregs from its temper tantrum, the last few drops of spiteful rain before the clouds finally moved on. With what little strength I had, I pushed myself upright, wiping my face clean of mess and emotions both. The worst of the weather was over, and my mind felt calm and clear.

     I gathered myself as best I could, and in a numb daze, I grabbed the money you left behind and went to pay for the coffees back inside the cafe. The barista politely averted her gaze from my own puffy, red-rimmed eyes and smiled kindly as I thanked her quietly.

     Stepping outside into the cool humidity, I paused and took a deep breath. Observing the rain-soaked city street I found myself on, I felt reborn and renewed. I was a different person than the one who entered the cafe with you some untold hours ago. Pain still ached beneath the surface in my breast, but I knew that would ease with time. In another life, I might have wallowed in my misery and allowed my emotions to overwhelm and control me. But what I realised then, and what you will never know, was that the strength to move on and move forward was already within me, built up from years of succumbing to my illness with failure after failure and picking myself back up every single time.

     For what felt like the first time in forever, a small smile crept over my lips as I walked towards the train station, unbothered by the the cool mist settling in over the city. And I never once looked back.